Diane Bolden’s Synchronistically Speaking

Are you at your wits end in your job, career, relationship, life in general? Experiencing delays, frustration, confusion, and even a little fear? Well, you might be closer to achieving something amazing than you think.

My last post, On the Verge of Transformation, featured an interview with a caterpillar.  The above video continues the play by play in the life of a caterpillar, only this time from the inside of the cocoon (or chrysalis, if you want to be technically correct). I hope you enjoy it!

Here’s what I said in the video:

My daughter has this butterfly pavilion that we’ve been raising butterflies in. It’s been days since all the other chrysalises hatched.  In fact, we let nine butterflies go out in the garden the other day.  But there’s one that’s still in there, in its cocoon.  We look at it every day hoping that we’ll catch it as its just emerging and it’s still in there.

I know it’s not dead because when I push on the side of the habitat, the chrysalis shakes gently, which is something that I learned they do to ward off predators. And, I can’t help but think how often we feel this way:  we’re in this cocoon, there’s all kinds of change that’s happening, we’re not really sure which direction is up, and we’re the last one. For some of us, it takes longer than others.

If you’re feeling like you’re stuck in the cocoon, I think it’s probably very uncommon.  And uncomfortable.

I read a story about a man who actually saw a butterfly trying to get out of the cocoon and used scissors to try to gently help the butterfly out. The butterfly fell out of the cocoon and it’s body was small and shriveled.  It just kind of stumbled around on the ground and was finally just still.

What this man learned later was that to get out of the cocoon, the butterfly has to encounter the resistance. In the act of bumping up and busting out of the cocoon, the butterfly’s body fills up with fluid that it needs in order to spread its wings and be free and to turn into the beautiful creature that it is.

It’s such a great reminder to us that just when we feel things are at their darkest, and everything’s closing in and you just can’t take another minute of it — maybe that’s when we’re the closest to actually being ready to bust out. And maybe instead of thinking of all the resistance as overwhelming and exhausting, we can think of it as that final push we need to give in order to just break through into something wonderful that’s just been waiting for us.

For more on change and transformation:

The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be (book) 

Busting Out of the Box (workshop)

 On the Verge of Transformation

Taking Your Leap, Part I & Part II

Bridging the Gap Between No More and Not Yet

Are You at a Crossroads?

Crazy businessman picture by Stephane Durocher from Dreamstime.

This post is the second in a two part article on listening to and answering your call to greatness.  (Click here for Part I.)  It is also an excerpt from my new book, The Pinocchio Principle: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be.

If you are ready to take your leap, I invite you to call me at (602) 889-2329 for a complimentary coaching session to see how I can support you through your transformation. Next week, I’ll post information about a new program I am rolling out specifically designed to help you bust through the barriers that keep you from your greatest work. 

Taking Your Leap, Part II

Anytime you make a decision to go out of your comfort zone, to do something that is new or unusual for you, you will most likely experience a tinge of fear, hesitation, or anxiety. This fear may lead you to question your ability, your likelihood of succeeding, and the possibility of your demise – whatever that may mean for you. It is essential to realize that this fear is a part of your journey as a leader.

It is not necessary to overcome this fear. The key is to use it in ways that serve you, rather than hold you back. Remember the last time you stood on a high dive? You may have felt flip flops in your stomach or a strange surge of energy through your core. Perhaps you turned around and climbed back down. Or maybe you stepped forward, entered the unknown, and bravely leaped off the board.

After having done it once, depending on your experience, it may have been a bit easier for you to repeat the experience. As leaders, we are repeatedly called to dive into the unknown, in spite of our fears about it. We must use the fear to inform us of the dangers, and to provide us with data that will help us make good decisions. But we must not allow this fear to make our decisions for us.

Having faced our fear and moved forward in spite of it, the experience may be positive or negative. Regardless of the outcome, we must acknowledge the progress we have made. If our experience is less than desirable, we can evaluate it and learn from it. Having had the experience, we are wiser for it – far more than we would be if we simply continued to contemplate taking that leap or safely learn from the experience of others instead. And if we are successful, we can build on this experience and use it as a platform for further growth.

There will always be an abundance of people who will tell you why things cannot be done, what there is to fear, and why it is just not worth the risk. Let them speak, but do not be swayed by their doubt. It is based on their own experience of the world, not yours. If you are to lead, you must set the example for others so that they can see that even when you take a risk and fail, you have moved forward and began progress in a direction that would have otherwise been stunted. If you believe you cannot succeed, you may be right. But if you believe you can, you are halfway there.

When was the last time you took a risk to experience something that has been calling to you – something that you know in your heart is for your highest good (and that of others as well)? What happened when you did? What did you learn? And how have you grown as a result?

What is calling to you now? And what small, sweet step can you take to bring you closer to experiencing the exhilaration of moving bravely in a direction that might just take you and others around you to a new level of mastery?

For more on taking your leap:

The Pinocchio Principle:  Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be

Bridging the Gap Between No More and Not Yet

Are You at a Crossroads?

Jumping Man image by Kashak from Bigstock.com, 2011.  Diving Board Image by Carrie Owens from Bigstock.com, 2007.  

The other day I was working from my home office when I noticed a man in my back yard.   I figured perhaps he was a meter reader from the utility company and went over to the window to get a better look.  He was wearing shorts, a t-shirt, and a large straw hat whose wide brim angled toward the ground.  In his hand was what looked like a window washer with a squeegee on the end.  He looked all around our back yard, glanced over to the back fence, and then proceeded out our front gate.  An unsettling feeling came over me as I began to realize there was a very good possibility this man had no business on our property.

I watched as he walked over to a maroon minivan and slouched into the driver’s seat with the door open, waiting, his foot kicked up and resting on the open window.  Peering out my living room window, I strained to see if I could make out the license plate.  The letters were fuzzy and I couldn’t quite discern them.  So I grabbed an envelope to take to the mailbox thinking that from there I could get a better look and scribble down the letters and numbers on the paper.  As I walked toward the end of the driveway, the man quickly closed the car door, started up the engine and drove away.  I began to run – trying one more time to get a look at the license plate, but the car just went faster.

My heart was beating wildly. I sent emails to my neighbors  encouraging them to make sure their gates, doors and windows were locked and to be on the lookout for the red van that I saw.  A few minutes later, I settled back into my study only to glance out the window and see the red van again – this time across the street, with the door propped open, and the same man I saw in my back yard sitting in the driver’s seat waiting.

Still looking out the window, I picked up the phone and dialed 911. I did my best to describe the man to the dispatcher and relay the details of my experience and felt a wave of relief when I saw two squad cars roll up behind the van.  A policeman walked over to the man and the two of them talked.  A few minutes later the officer called to inform me that the man in my back yard was from the irrigation service that comes twice a month to open and close the valve that brings water into our yard.

And then I felt the sting of embarrassment and humiliation followed by feelings of regret and sympathy for this poor man who was just interrogated by the police while doing his job in triple digit heat in Phoenix, Arizona.  Compounding my  foolishness was the fact that my husband and I have actually met this man and had a conversation with him.  He was warm and kind and gave us advice on how to properly irrigate our back yard after having some work done there.  I even remembered that his name was Tom.

As the police got back into their cars I walked across the street to thank them and apologize to Tom.  “I am so sorry,” I told him sheepishly.  “I didn’t recognize you and I was scared.”  Tom’s mouth widened into a smile that revealed a few teeth missing.  He laughed as he told me, “You wouldn’t believe how many times people have called the police on me.  Don’t worry about it.“  It was then that I realized that  the window washer I thought he was holding in his hand was actually an irrigation tool.  I explained to him that what really alarmed me was that he drove away as I was running after him.  Turns out he never even saw me – just realized that he was starved and had exactly five minutes to run and get something to eat before the next valve had to be closed.

We had a very nice conversation in the minutes that followed.   His eyes sparkled as we talked about his work, his three sons – one of which was having a birthday that day, and his relaxed, let life happen as it comes philosophy.   As I walked back toward my house, I realized the power our fearful stories have over our behavior and the way things play themselves out in our lives.  I had experienced firsthand the distortion of reality caused by faulty information my mind filled the blanks in with as a result of my fear and panic.  I took very few data points and wove them together to create a worst case scenario that had me acting as though it was true.  And none of it had to do with Tom himself – only the story I created based on what I was believing about my limited observations.

I can’t help thinking about how that dynamic plays itself out every day of our lives.  We all take in limited information and we all create stories about what it means. Most of us tend to operate as though those stories are true.    And other people do the same thing when it comes to their observations of us.  It was a wonderful reminder to always entertain the thought that perhaps I don’t always have all the pieces of the picture or every detail relevant to the story.

It also made me realize the importance of not taking personally the sometimes perplexing or inexplicable reactions others may have to me – to keep an open mind, and an open heart, like Tom did. To remember that things aren’t always what they seem – and people are not always who we think they are.  And to entertain the possibility that at any moment circumstances can change from being frightful to delightful - if I am willing to look beyond what my eyes and my mind are telling me to see what is really there.

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

If you liked this post, you may enjoy other articles written about Navigating Through Change, Challenge & Uncertainty. Download these and others for free at www.DianeBolden.com/solutions.  While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

One morning my six year old daughter spotted some old clothes she had outgrown sitting on a high shelf in her closet.  On the top of the pile were a pair of sparkly tennis shoes she used to love.  Seeing them up there reignited her adoration and she insisted on wearing them to school.  Knowing they were a couple sizes too small, I told her she could wear them around the house for awhile instead. 

She did, along with a soft pink sweater whose long sleeves were now almost to her elbows.  Watching her cram her little feet into those even littler shoes reminded me of the stepsisters in the story of Cinderella.  A fiercely determined and somewhat stubborn child, she shoved and pulled until she finally got both heels into the shoes along with her poor little toes which were likely crammed into a small ball.  When she stood up, the sweater revealed her belly button.  “Look Mom,” she proudly shouted, “They still fit!”

I smiled and went on with my morning routine while she ran through the house, stopping every once in a while to play with something she found interesting.  After about ten minutes, I walked into the kitchen to see my daughter disgustedly fling the shoes in opposite directions across the room.  “Mom, those shoes hurt me!” she complained.  “And I don’t like this sweater anymore either.”

“Sweetheart, that’s because you’ve grown since you last wore them.  You’re a bigger girl now.”  I explained.  “Do you grow out of your clothes too?” she asked.  I thought about my jeans which had been fitting a little tighter since Christmas, but decided not to go there.  “Well, once you get to be as old as Mommy, you’re body doesn’t really grow much,” I answered. 

 Hours after she left for school I reflected on that conversation and the experience my young daughter had shared with me.  I realized that though my body isn’t growing anymore (with the occasionally unfortunate exception of my waist and hips), the rest of me still is.  I think all of us are in some way. 

The more we cling to that which we have outgrown, the more painful the experience becomes until, as my daughter learned, the discomfort of wearing the old stuff becomes greater than that of letting it go.  And I mused that there have been times in my life where I’ve inflicted quite a bit of pain on myself out of fear of letting go and moving onto something new and roomier.  I have clients, family members and friends who have done the same thing. 

Sometimes when change comes we resist it because we fear that it will require too much effort to adapt, or that it will land us in a place where we are unequipped to handle whatever is coming next.  Paradoxically, my experience has been that the resistance itself can create far more pain than the new experience. 

Having children is a great example.  With each child, my life changed dramatically.  My daughter was our third – causing my husband and me to be outnumbered and effectively thrusting our household into a chaos that we have learned to roll with over the years.  Any creation you give birth to is bound to do the same thing.  But it will also bring you greater joy than you ever could have imagined.

To allow ourselves to experience all the magic these new opportunities and challenges bring, we need to do what we can to avoid tightening up and blocking ourselves from the experience.  Even the act of childbirth itself becomes more painful when the muscles involved contract in different directions in response to fear.  Having had three opportunities to experience this phenomenon, I can tell you that learning to relax and allow the muscles to work together in harmony makes all the difference in the world.  And I believe the same is true with life itself.

What is trying to happen in your life right now?  And what can you do to give yourself fully to the experience? 

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

If you liked this post, you may also enjoy Room to Grow, It’s a Stretch and Changing Tides.  Download these and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles. While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Procrastination Perfected

I blocked the day off to write today.  This morning when I went to my computer, I noticed I wasn’t getting an internet connection.  I spent the next thirty five minutes on the phone with the cable company taking direction from a pleasant, but somewhat annoying computer generated voice that had me unplugging and replugging various devices.  When my signal finally returned, I happily dove into my email, saw a request from a client, and endeavored to fulfill it – figuring it would only take a few minutes.  Forty five minutes later, I realized that my Quickbooks program was inexplicably creating random invoices .  Looking into the situation, I saw some  numbers that were wrong and ended up spending the next hour and a half going from one screen to another, scratching my head.  While I was in there I thought it might be a good idea to get a better handle on my monthly expenses, so I did a review of them and created a spreadsheet.

My stomach started to churn, and realizing it was lunchtime I went into the kitchen to warm something up.  Eating in would allow me to save time, I figured.    And it did, until I brought my dirty dish to the sink and decided that I would feel better if I washed the other dirty dishes that were sitting there.  Scraping crusted cocoa puffs from plastic cereal bowls, I wistfully imagined the day my kids would actually learn to clean up after themselves.  Then I realized that I still needed to put together an art masterpiece presentation for my oldest son that I would be doing in his classroom tomorrow.  I pulled the packet from the pile of other things waiting for me to get to and went through the materials to see if the notes previous presenters left in there were adequate.  As I read, I became fascinated with the Chamash Indians, whose rock paintings the class would be discussing.  I did a quick internet search to see if I could unearth any additional interesting facts and ended up getting sucked into a related website on shamans and the role they played in ancient civilizations. 

Coming to my senses an hour later, I spent the next twenty five minutes creating a document for parents to explain what the kids would talk about and do in class during my time with them – all the while wondering if anyone ever really read those things.  And then I finally pulled the materials together and put them back in the packet, realizing that I pretty much had everything I needed for that project from the start and kicking myself for wasting so much time.  I looked at the clock and remembered that in an hour and a half I would need to pick my son up and take him to soccer practice.   Wow.  Woefully little time left.  I still needed to prepare for the client meetings I would be having the next day, and then I would take a shot at writing, I reasoned.  I spent the majority of my remaining time prepping, save for the two phone calls that shook my concentration and sent me back to my email to take action on them.  While I was there, I saw a new subscriber alert appear in my inbox. 

I suddenly realized why I felt so disappointed in myself.  It wasn’t that I didn’t accomplish anything of value (though I will concede that I did seem to spend time doing quite a few things that had little or no value).  I had broken a promise I made to myself and as a result got sucked into a myriad of activities that were completely unrelated to the one thing I really wanted to do today – WRITE.  The painful irony of it all is that what I blocked the day to work on was a new chapter of the book I’m writing – a chapter about – ready for this? – PROCRASTINATION and other AVOIDANCE MECHANISMS and DIVERSIONARY ACTIVITIES that keep us from unearthing our greatness.

That one new subscriber returned me to my place of power.  I had spent the day gripped by fear that kept me from rising above the minutia to do what was most important.  My fear was related to stories I have that convince me that writing will be harder than I think and that I may not be able to do justice to the subjects I feel called to write about.  In that one moment, reflecting on the fact that someone took the time to click that button and read my stuff helped me to remember that it isn’t really about me at all.  It is about what I can do for others.  And most of us can relate more to each other’s mistakes and missteps than we can to their successes. 

So, let the mistakes and sloppy writing rip.  Let the email wait.  Let the dishes sit.  Leave the bookeeping and other administrative tasks to people on my team that are far better qualified for and passionate about those tasks than I am.  If that new subscriber would have appeared this morning when I checked my email, would I have spent the day differently?  Probably.  Upon reviewing the day I thought of all the things I could have done to stay focused (tactics I teach my clients to use when they fall into the same traps I did – mostly because I need to learn them myself).  And then I realized that today’s experience inspired me to write this post – and gave me some great fodder for my new chapter.  Tomorrow will be a new day.  And I will rise to meet it with a greater source of energy and inspiration than I did today.

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2009.  All rights reserved.

If you like this post, you might enjoy Stepping Up to Strategic Focus.  Download this and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles.  While you are there, you can also subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.