Diane Bolden’s Synchronistically Speaking

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book, The Pinocchio Principle — Being Real:  Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be, which will be released on 1/11/11 and will soon be available to pre-order.  I hope you enjoy it!

 Our foundations are shaking.  Corporations are going under.  People are losing their jobs and having difficulty finding new ones.  Frustration is finding its way into every crevice of our daily lives.  The ground that so many stand upon is crumbling.  It can be a scary time.  But these changes can also be an exciting time of adventure and reinvention. 

For years, many of us have been living in ways that are inauthentic — doing jobs that are not a match for our true talents, striving to achieve pinnacles of power, prestige or wealth.  And each step has increased the chance of us falling further away from our true selves and from what truly satisfies and nourishes us.  As our foundation collapses, we are forced to ponder what is left, what truly has value, and what is actually genuine and meaningful in our lives.  This dissolving façade, while painful, enables something more powerful to emerge and bring with it gifts that will benefit all of humanity.  We are becoming real again.

With the dramatic changes the world is experiencing, perhaps now more than ever, it is time for each of us to recognize that we no longer need to rely on others to show us the way to genuine “success” — however it is to be defined.  We are wired for it.  It is in our blood, in our DNA, in our spirits.  We have everything we need to get there.  And to find ourselves, we must become engaged in the greatest adventure of our lives.  In fact, we have already begun this adventure, and through it we are reaching a place of creative tension, where the plot thickens and we are sitting on the edge of our seats to see what will happen next.  We are the stars of our own shows, the heroes of our own stories.

The changes for greater peace and true prosperity and the happiness we have been praying for are coming about.  Lasting change must come from the inside out.  Our world is made up of many nations, many communities, and at its core, many people.  The truest change must start from within each of us.  We can no longer wait for something or someone to rescue us, to solve all our problems, or to make right what is not working. 

The greatest thing a leader can do is help us unearth our own authentic leadership so that we, in turn, can do the same for others.  True leadership is about bringing out the best in people.  We can all be leaders.  And we all must be.  There is something greater ready to emerge.  And it is within each of us.  It is the treasure we have been dancing around in our own backyards. 

The old structures are crumbling to make way for the new.  And as uncomfortable and challenging as it is, this falling away is an essential part of our own renewal and liberation from whatever no longer serves us, to everything that allows us to bring to fruition our greatest visions and dreams.  Seeds cannot sprout from hardened ground.  The ground must first become soft and fertile.  And that is what is happening now.  The old protection mechanisms we relied upon may have kept away the things we feared, but they also kept us from our greatest selves.  In the end, we will realize we never really needed that protection anyway.  We are much stronger than we thought we were.  And now is the time to truly experience that strength, that fortitude, that determination, and that grace.

My new book, The Pinocchio Principle — Being Real:  Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be is a road map to help you navigate the perils and possibilities of your personal odyssey.  Using Pinocchio as a metaphor, it blends wisdom, inspiration and humor and includes numerous stories and examples of personal and professional transformation as well as practical tips and tools that will help you become a true leader to others in the only way possible:  by starting with yourself.  To hear about free upcoming promotional events such as teleseminars, videos and speaking engagements, subscribe to my free monthly ezine at www.DianeBolden.com – you’ll also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts.  Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about?  Let me know.  I’d love to hear from you!

How do I motivate and inspire my team in the midst of uncertainty that could lead to the whole department being eliminated?  I mean, I’m not even sure I’ll have a job myself!

This is a question a client of mine recently asked.  A tough one.  I didn’t have an immediate answer for him.  He didn’t want to blow smoke in their faces or hand them a bunch of rose colored glasses.  Nor should he.  It is a scary time for a lot of people right now.  And there are no easy answers.  But in times of uncertainty, it is more important than ever to rest in the certainty that each one of us has what it takes to rise above anything life may bring us.

This is what the greatest leaders have done throughout history.  It’s easy to lead when things are stable and successful.  It’s when all chaos breaks loose and the chances of survival are slim that the world’s heroes have risen up to help people remember who they are and to rise up to their most daunting challenges. 

Here are three things to remember when you find yourself in a situation similar to the one my client was in:

(1) There is nothing that will come your way that you cannot handle.  If you want proof, consider the fact that you are still here.  Think back to the last struggle or setback you faced.  What did you do?  How did you get through it?  What did you learn?  In retrospect, what would you tell yourself in order to help you get through that?  And what will you tell yourself now? 

Sometimes it helps to think of the worst case scenario.  What would you do?  Really.  What would you do?  If you sit with that question and allow yourself to remain calm, you will find an answer.  Because when you get quiet, you summon up that which is timeless within you – that which will not change with the uncertainty, but rather grow stronger in the face of it – your inner strength, resilience, creativity and ingenuity.  Benjamin Franklin said it well many years ago:  “To be thrown upon one’s own resources, is to be cast into the very lap of fortune; for our faculties then undergo a development and display an energy of which they were previously unsusceptible.”

Getting connected to your core strength is essential and must be done before you can provide any real inspiration and motivation to others.  Your confidence will emanate at a level that people will feel – before you even say a word. 

(2)  Once you have reconnected with your own inner reserves, help others reconnect with theirs as well.  Extraordinary leaders have the ability to connect with people at a deeper level.  They see not only what each person they lead has done in the past, but also what they are capable of doing in the future.  In times of chaos and uncertainty, people need to be reminded of their strengths because trying times tend to lead us to doubt ourselves and forget how very capable and strong we really are. 

Speaking to people in terms of what they are capable of as a group can be helpful, but speaking to each person individually will have a far more powerful impact.  Think about each person you lead.  What has he or she done in the past that has impressed you?  What natural talents have you noticed - what does each person do that seems to come easily?  What does each tend to do that has a positive impact on themselves and everyone around them?  Maybe it is a sense of humor.  Perhaps it is an ability to foresee obstacles no one anticipated and create a plan for overcoming them.  Maybe it is an ability to think outside the box, a dogged determination to make things work, or a natural tendency to partner with others.  What is it that gives you faith that no matter what happens, this person will rise above it?  Speak to it with sincere appreciation and encouragement.  Help that person to embody those qualities once again.

(3)  Keep people’s focus (including your own) on possibilities rather than frustrations.  As with everything in life, whatever we focus on has a way of becoming amplified.  When we allow ourselves to become consumed with fear and doubt, our brains have a way of finding things that feed those states and we find that there seems to be even more to be afraid of or frustrated by.  This phenomenon often happens without our conscious awareness, and it is a vicious cycle that can keep us falling deeper and deeper into despair. 

Reversing this cycle requires a conscious effort.  When we notice we are feeling upset by a certain thought, the first step is to become aware of the thought that has caused the reaction and deliberately choose another one to focus on.  There is always something positive or hopeful to focus on.  Sometimes finding it takes a bit of work, but that effort will be met with rich rewards.  A man named Ambrose Redmoon once said “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important.”  We need to figure out what is more important – more worthy of our attention and energy and focus on that.  As we do, our innate talents and strengths have a way of rising to the occasion.

With any change that brings uncertainty, there is a process of renewal involved.  The old must fall way in order for the new to be revealed.  This is true in nature as well as in our communities, organizations and in our very selves.  We can focus on what we are losing and experience a great deal of sadness and grief, or we can focus on what is newly emerging around us – and within us.  Sometimes the most difficult changes are the very things we need to experience to get closer to what we really want in life.  We may not realize the gifts change and uncertainty bring for weeks, months, and even years.  But we can recognize how it has served us in the past and trust in the process, in each other, and in ourselves.

“What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly.” 

~  Richard Bach

 My new book, The Pinocchio Principle ~ Being Real: Becoming the Leader You Were Born to Be  is about reconnecting to your inner reserves and drawing upon them to give life to your greatest visions and dreams.  It will be released on January 11, 2011 and will soon be available to pre-order.  Stay tuned for more information and subscribe to my free monthly ezine at www.DianeBolden.com to hear about free upcoming events, videos and teleseminars – and to receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Though comments are currently closed, please feel free to email me at Diane@DianeBolden.com with your feedback, questions and thoughts.  Have a specific challenge you’d like to see a post written about?  Let me know.  I’d love to hear from you!

Feel like there’s got to be more to being a leader than running from meeting to meeting, repeatedly fixing the same problems, and beating your head against a wall trying to get people and things to change?

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” ~ Gandhi

We’ve all been to a lot of classes – whether on leadership or related subjects – where we sit passively and listen to someone teach us things from a workbook or a PowerPoint presentation. Some of these classes may have infused us with new ideas and inspirations, others may not have. Either way, the chief challenge is coming back to our daily work and implementing what we have learned. Class or no class, putting into practice the ideas and insights we get on a daily basis is a challenge. It is a challenge because it calls for us to integrate them into a way of doing things that we have established for ourselves over a long period of time.

In order to change, grow or improve in any way, we must consciously look at ourselves – at what is working and at what is not. Often we are so accustomed to running from project to project and meeting to meeting, that we aren’t even aware of the dynamics at play under the surface. This frenetic approach leads to a pattern of similar results, similar experiences, and inevitably similar frustrations, and often the feeling that there has to be more to it than this.

There is.

The truth is, you already possess within you the most significant core essentials you need in order to be successful. The question is, are you using them? And are you using them to the best of your ability? If the answer is no, it doesn’t matter how many new tools you acquire or methodologies you learn. Our chief challenge is not to continue looking to others for solutions and answers, but instead to take the time to tap that part of ourselves that remains our purest potential. The prerequisite for being an effective leader of others is to learn to lead ourselves.

This blog post is an excerpt from a longer article, titled “Leader, Know Thyself – Unearthing Your Best Work”.  Click here to read the full article, which includes practical steps for bringing out your best.  For more articles on Boosting Creativity, Productivity and Effectiveness, visit www.DianeBolden.com/solutions.  While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

As I write this post, it is about 5:30 pm on a Wednesday afternoon and I’m sitting on my patio gazing over my back fence at a brand new twenty foot high three car garage that recently took the place of what used to be a spectacular mountain view.  I write about this incident because it set into motion some interesting and curious events that led me through an array of emotions.  My perspective initially produced sadness, irritation, anger and disgust, which gradually gave way to complacency and ultimately – though I never would have believed it – transformed not only into acceptance, but gratitude.

Now, believe me, if this post had been written the day after we met the man – a developer – who moved into the house across the alley from us – my tone and words would have been quite different.  We were shocked and outraged.  Wanting to be neighborly, my husband and I introduced ourselves.  With a very matter of fact manner , the man led us to his back yard and explained his plans.  Our efforts to become better acquainted were met with the words “You all are being very gracious, but it is not like I’m asking your permission.”  I remember watching his lips move but not quite receiving the impact of his words until we got back home and almost simultaneously uttered to each other – “Did he really say that?!”

To be fair, the man is a competitive water skier, and a large structure to house his equipment is apparently a necessity for him.  It is his property after all, and he has every right to build what he wants there – though it seems a bit peculiar that the new construction was reserved for his various vehicles while he apparently has elected to use the existing garage as his living quarters.  The other strange thing is that this monstrously high structure actually eviscerated his own view of the mountain – a detail that I didn’t actually notice until the initial anger subsided and my mind became curiously reflective.

But the event spun a whole series of reactions into play.  Over the initial few weeks after we met the man, we were consumed with bitterness which cast a long, dark shadow over our usually very happy household.  We couldn’t look out the window without feeling irritation and decided that we didn’t want to live in a continual state of anger.  So we began looking for a new house.  Our initial efforts were somewhat non eventful, but we did actually end up finding something not far from our old home that we really liked.  It was a short sale.  We made an offer that got accepted after what seemed like an excruciatingly long period of waiting during which we put our current home on the market for sale or lease.

When the sign went up in our front yard, I felt an intense sadness that grew more and more pronounced when people came into the house to view it.  My husband and I both were struck with how much we loved our home, the memories we shared in it (including watching all three of our children grow from babies to toddlers and beyond), and the things we did over the years to make it our own – not the least of which was a fairly substantial remodel. 

The realization that we were actually moving was bittersweet.  There were many things the new house offered that the old one didn’t, and we were excited about the possibilities.  But we began to notice that the longer things played out, the less enamored we were and the more we became focused on what we would be losing.   Well, as luck would have it, the sellers defaulted on their contract and we ended up canceling the sale.

And now, I couldn’t be happier!  The monstrosity across the alley that once produced feelings of bitterness and resentment is a constant reminder for me to count my blessings and remember what is truly important in my life.  I am grateful to have a home at all – which I realize is more than many people have right now.  But I am most grateful  for the new appreciation and insight this change in perspective have given me on my power to frame and reframe the experiences that determine how I feel on any given day.  And to recognize that the old adage – home is where the heart is – is really true.  The degree to which my heart is open is exclusively dependent on me and everything I see really is a matter of perspective.  Makes me wonder what else I might be seeing that has an entirely new and empowering interpretation I have not yet landed on…

One morning my six year old daughter spotted some old clothes she had outgrown sitting on a high shelf in her closet.  On the top of the pile were a pair of sparkly tennis shoes she used to love.  Seeing them up there reignited her adoration and she insisted on wearing them to school.  Knowing they were a couple sizes too small, I told her she could wear them around the house for awhile instead. 

She did, along with a soft pink sweater whose long sleeves were now almost to her elbows.  Watching her cram her little feet into those even littler shoes reminded me of the stepsisters in the story of Cinderella.  A fiercely determined and somewhat stubborn child, she shoved and pulled until she finally got both heels into the shoes along with her poor little toes which were likely crammed into a small ball.  When she stood up, the sweater revealed her belly button.  “Look Mom,” she proudly shouted, “They still fit!”

I smiled and went on with my morning routine while she ran through the house, stopping every once in a while to play with something she found interesting.  After about ten minutes, I walked into the kitchen to see my daughter disgustedly fling the shoes in opposite directions across the room.  “Mom, those shoes hurt me!” she complained.  “And I don’t like this sweater anymore either.”

“Sweetheart, that’s because you’ve grown since you last wore them.  You’re a bigger girl now.”  I explained.  “Do you grow out of your clothes too?” she asked.  I thought about my jeans which had been fitting a little tighter since Christmas, but decided not to go there.  “Well, once you get to be as old as Mommy, you’re body doesn’t really grow much,” I answered. 

 Hours after she left for school I reflected on that conversation and the experience my young daughter had shared with me.  I realized that though my body isn’t growing anymore (with the occasionally unfortunate exception of my waist and hips), the rest of me still is.  I think all of us are in some way. 

The more we cling to that which we have outgrown, the more painful the experience becomes until, as my daughter learned, the discomfort of wearing the old stuff becomes greater than that of letting it go.  And I mused that there have been times in my life where I’ve inflicted quite a bit of pain on myself out of fear of letting go and moving onto something new and roomier.  I have clients, family members and friends who have done the same thing. 

Sometimes when change comes we resist it because we fear that it will require too much effort to adapt, or that it will land us in a place where we are unequipped to handle whatever is coming next.  Paradoxically, my experience has been that the resistance itself can create far more pain than the new experience. 

Having children is a great example.  With each child, my life changed dramatically.  My daughter was our third – causing my husband and me to be outnumbered and effectively thrusting our household into a chaos that we have learned to roll with over the years.  Any creation you give birth to is bound to do the same thing.  But it will also bring you greater joy than you ever could have imagined.

To allow ourselves to experience all the magic these new opportunities and challenges bring, we need to do what we can to avoid tightening up and blocking ourselves from the experience.  Even the act of childbirth itself becomes more painful when the muscles involved contract in different directions in response to fear.  Having had three opportunities to experience this phenomenon, I can tell you that learning to relax and allow the muscles to work together in harmony makes all the difference in the world.  And I believe the same is true with life itself.

What is trying to happen in your life right now?  And what can you do to give yourself fully to the experience? 

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2010.  All rights reserved.

If you liked this post, you may also enjoy Room to Grow, It’s a Stretch and Changing Tides.  Download these and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles. While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

On the Verge of a New Chapter

 There is something magical about being at the threshold of a new year.  It is like climbing to the top of a long staircase to find ourselves on a landing, standing before a large glimmering door just waiting to be opened.  As we look down, we realize how far we have climbed to get here.  Yet we cannot help but wonder what lies behind the door. 

 Often we underestimate the amount of growth we have achieved until we take some time to reflect on the unique combination of experiences we have had that led to both successes and disappointments and what we have learned from them.  I often work with people who feel they are ready for a change, but aren’t sure what that change should be.  They aren’t necessarily miserable in their jobs or other areas of their lives – they just long for something that will fill them up in ways they haven’t been fulfilled in the past. 

 When I coach people who feel this way, they often want me to tell them what the next best step is – give them the answer, or perhaps a step by step process that will lead them to find what they seek.  Of course, no person has these answers for another.  Our greatest challenge and opportunity is to find them for ourselves. 

 I firmly believe that each of our lives has a story with perfect order and meaning.  As within a novel or a screen play, each character has a specific relationship to the main character and every scene has some relevance to his growth and evolution. There will be victories and disappointments, as well as twists and turns that transition us from one to another and back again.  We will have occasion to laugh, cry and experience a myriad of other emotions that are somewhere in between.  And as a result of this perfect combination of events and mini plots, we discover ourselves to be better people.

 When we are reading a book or watching a movie, the perfect order is often easier for us to see than it is for the characters enmeshed in the stories we are watching.  Yet the mystery and intrigue, the humor over each misstep and the courage we see the characters exude to find their way give substance to the story and allow us to leave the book or the theatre feeling moved or inspired in some way.

 As you look over the previous year, see if you can identify the most pivotal turns your story has taken.  What did you learn from them?  Think about your character sketch.  What are the endearing qualities you have that make you unique and special?  How can you leverage them to build on the previous events to create a story worth telling?

 Think also about the people that surround you.  In what ways are they helping you grow?  What are they teaching you about yourself – whether in joyful or painful ways?  And what are the qualities they possess that are similar to and different than yours?  How do you compliment each other, and what might it be that you can create together?

 As you sit at the threshold of another chapter in your story, contemplate what you you have already experienced and ask yourself how you might build upon it to add a bit of intrigue and adventure.  Identify the ways that you could add a little lightness and humor. Think about the interplay between the characters and how you could spice things up a little. 

 We have each been given the makings of a beautiful tale.  Open your eyes and survey them the way you would the perfectly planned detail of your favorite movie or novel.  Give yourself completely to the adventure, the possibilities, and the humor in your life. Then find a way to revel in the joy of living it.

 Happy New Year to all!  Wishing you all a bright, beautiful 2010.

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2009.  All rights reserved.

 If you liked this post, you may also enjoy Life’s Perfect Classroom and In the Flow.  Download these and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles.  While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.

Leadership & Limbo Land

Yesterday I had a conversation with an exceptionally talented leader who went to great lengths to take on a flailing high profile project because he wanted to turn it around.    He explained his desire to continue onto new frontiers of increasingly difficult and expansive initiatives with the simple statement of, “you know, if you aren’t growing you’re dying.” 

Earlier this week, someone sent me an email containing a quote by Jack Canfield who said “Everything you want is outside your comfort zone.”   I had to stop and think about that one, because I wasn’t sure I agreed with it initially.  Lots of things I want are in my comfort zone because – well, they make me feel comfortable.  I made it through that initial period where I didn’t really know what I was doing and finally arrived at the place where I could successfully perform with a minimum of effort. 

But if I’m really honest with myself, I have to say that what beckons to me is outside of my comfort zone.  It is that which I dream about but am not sure how to do – the off road adventures that diverge from the paved path I have become accustomed to traveling.  And there’s danger there – real or perceived, the wheels could come off and I might find myself stranded and quite uncomfortable. 

But as I look back at my life, I realize that those periods of discomfort preceded some of the greatest accomplishments and most gratifying turns my life has taken.  In talking with others, I find many feel the same.  Some of us, like the leader I talked with yesterday, regularly seek out new growth.  Others find that it is ushered in via a variety of doors that seem to be closing and opening or a period of heightened dissatisfaction or restlessness that leads them to ponder what’s next.

Over the last few weeks and months it seems many of my clients have either experienced or are on the brink of undertaking dramatic changes in their lives and careers that will give way to entirely new worlds of possibility and unchartered territory.  I can relate to them, as I feel I am transitioning between two worlds myself – one that is known, predictable, and somewhat effortless and another that feels daunting, overwhelming and mysteriously promising.  I call this place limbo land. 

Limbo land is akin to chaos.  Merriam Webster defines chaos as “a state of things in which chance is supreme; the confused unorganized state of primordial matter before the creation of distinct forms.”  I suppose it is what the caterpillar experiences in the cocoon as everything it has once been completely dissolves to become something entirely new.  It is a period of undoing and non-doing that flies in the face of everything we are accustomed to.  Rather than moving full speed ahead, it is a time for reflection, integration and renewal. 

Yoga instructors often reiterate that it is the four to five minutes of a pose called Shivasana at the end of the class that are the most important.  During this time, the fifty to seventy minutes of engaging and stretching muscles give way to a period of laying flat on your back, letting go of everything and allowing your body to melt into the floor.  It is during this time that all the benefits of the previous activity take root.

As the year comes to an end, we see this practice in nature.  Many trees have lost their leaves and the grass and plants – even our hair grows slower.  Various animals hibernate.  It’s a great time to slow down long enough to look back over the year and reflect on where it has taken us and how it has prepared us for what lies ahead.  As we take stock of all that we have mastered, we can begin to give heed to that which is glimmering on the horizon and honor the ways in which we ourselves are evolving.   From this period of thoughtful reflection, we can revel in the progress we have made and ready ourselves for the adventures to come.

Copyright Synchronistics Coaching & Consulting 2009.  All rights reserved.

If you liked this post, you may also enjoy A Leader’s Leap and It’s a Stretch.  Download these and other articles for free at www.DianeBolden.com/articles.  While you are there, you can subscribe to receive a new feature article each month.  You will also receive my free report on 10 Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves – and How to Avoid Them.