Synchronistically Speaking Ezine

The Gift of Generosity

Article # 21, Synchronistically Speaking series, December 2009

"I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver." ~Maya Angelou

The other day, I looked up the word "generous" in Merriam Webster's on line dictionary. Among the definitions was, (a) "characterized by a noble or forbearing spirit: magnanimous, kindly" and (b) marked by abundance or ample proportions." Magnanimous wasn't a word I've heard often, so I looked that one up too. The definition was "showing or suggesting a lofty and courageous spirit." Many of us associate generosity with giving things away - perhaps donating to some kind of charitable organization or sacrificing in some way to allow others to benefit - sharing our time, possessions or good fortune. While all of this certainly applies, I believe there is another nuance to generosity that the best leaders embody. It is a spirit of service that comes across in everything that they do - one that, as Merriam Webster suggest, is lofty, noble, courageous and abundant.

Great leaders don't always start out this way. Often people are drawn to formal positions of leadership for what they have to offer - power, control, prestige, and higher pay. These things feed the ego, which would have us believe our inherent value is equated with them and that the more we have, do or achieve, the more successful we are. The problem is that no matter how much power, control, prestige, and money we acquire, it never seems to be enough. Life becomes a series of races, battles, and games to be won with little time left to savor the victories, which are often short lived. Additionally, one can become increasingly consumed with the fear of losing it all. This orientation has many leaders acting in ways that are more about themselves than the organizations and people they lead. Simply said, when leadership is focused upon what can be gained from a position or title, any success that accompanies it cannot be sustained for long.

But for all the leaders who are in it for what they have to get, there are many who have recognized the greater, more gratifying and empowering side of leadership - that associated with what one has to give. This aspect of leadership transcends position, role and title and speaks to the ability of each of us to exercise leadership wherever we are. In 1970, Robert Greenleaf wrote an essay called "The Servant as Leader," which explored a concept that many leadership and management writers have since built on. In it he wrote

"The servant-leader is servant first... It begins with the natural feeling that one wants to serve, to serve first. Then conscious choice brings one to aspire to lead. That person is sharply different from one who is leader first, perhaps because of the need to assuage an unusual power drive or to acquire material possessions... The leader-first and the servant-first are two extreme types. Between them there are shadings and blends that are part of the infinite variety of human nature.

The difference manifests itself in the care taken by the servant-first to make sure that other people's highest priority needs are being served. The best test, and difficult to administer, is: Do those served grow as persons? Do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely themselves to become servants? And, what is the effect on the least privileged in society? Will they benefit or at least not be further deprived?"

What is intriguing to me is that there is a lovely paradox inherent in putting service over self interest. For years, I've been coaching and consulting with people and organizations who seek to improve themselves in one way or another. I have noticed that the more they shift their focus from what they can get to what they can give, the more naturally and effortlessly they achieve that which they seek, and the more likely they are to sustain their success. Conversely, the more self absorbed and identified with achieving something that benefits themselves more than (or at the expense of) others, the more likely they are to run into obstacles (many of which they unwittingly create for themselves.) The most common hindrances are rooted in the desires of the ego - whose chief motivation is to defend and differentiate itself, win and be right.

The ego unchecked keeps us from truly connecting with those who we lead and interact with because it is more concerned with itself than others. As a result, it unwittingly acts in ways that bring about that which it most fears. Wanting to be right, it makes others wrong and keeps them from listening and buying in. Needing power and prestige, it steals the show and relies on force to gain compliance that lacks commitment. Fearing that it will not be respected, it demands the respect from others who may well feel it has not been earned.

When our focus shifts from self-interest to service, we transcend our fears and doubts because we have something besides ourselves to engage our time, talent and resources in. Our orientation moves from the work itself to that which is worth working for. We align with the desire and intention of others and can pool our energy and focus in ways that allow us to do more collectively than we could alone. People of like mind feel compelled to participate and contribute because they share the end goal. In this way, our combined energies become aligned with a force that is much greater than ourselves. The paradox is that in letting go of our grip on our own needs, we find that which we most seek - only better. Philosopher Jean-Paul Satre once said "All which I abandon, all which I give, I enjoy in a higher manner through the fact that I give it away. To give is to enjoy possessively the object which one gives." This is because much of what we really want, we already have. Power, control, prestige, wealth - all of these things are not ends in and of themselves, but rather lead to a state of mind we can achieve on our own. As an example, many associate prestige with feelings of importance, or of being respected or revered. When we identify with a feeling of being important and respect ourselves and others, we no longer crave that attention and validation in the same way. Instead, we are able to act in ways that allow others to feel important. In the end, what we give to others comes back to us in ways we may not have originally expected.

I often coach executives who desire to increase their status, prestige, and salaries by moving up the corporate ladder. When the desire to advance is more about filling an unmet need than contributing to the organization, these people cannot truly lead others in ways that will sustain their success. They will look to the organization and its people to fill themselves up and the organization will be cheated. On the other hand, those who realize their merits and seek to advance because they believe they want to better serve the organization and its people are far more likely to achieve and sustain success with their goals. They start by identifying with feelings of wholeness and self-confidence that are aligned with their end goals and consequently are far more likely to act in ways that bring their goals to fruition.

Similarly, those who have occasion to speak to large groups of people often find that their presentations become much more engaging, inspiring and influential when they stop worrying about what people will think of them and whether they look good (getting their needs met from others) and instead focus their energy on what they can give to people in their audience that will in some way help them.

In conflict situations, we are often so intent on speaking our piece that we do not pause long enough to engage in the behavior we most want from others - listening. And yet, it can make all the difference in the world. Often what we really want most goes deeper than just winning or being heard - most of the time there is some kind of interest common to both parties. When we approach these situations with an intention that in some way benefits everyone involved, we will find the way to achieve that success becomes much more accessible and easy - and it is far more likely to be sustained. Rather than trying to find the perfect words to say, we focus on truly connecting with the other person in a way that achieves a common goal. As a result the words we need find us.

Think of a challenge or opportunity you are currently facing. What is it you most want? Now, think of a way that you can somehow give it to others - not in order to receive it in return, but simply for the experience itself. Do you wish others would reach out to you more? Try reaching out to them. Want more respect? Show more of it. Want a little more happiness? See if you can bring some to others. In the act of giving, you may find you had what you were truly seeking all along.

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Diane Bolden is passionate about working with leaders to unleash human potential. An executive coach and organization development professional with over 18 years of experience in leadership development, coaching and consulting, Diane has worked with managers, directors and vice presidents/officers in Fortune 500 companies and non profit organizations to achieve higher levels of performance and success by helping them to bring out the best in themselves and everyone around them. To receive her free special report on Ten Traps Leaders Unwittingly Create for Themselves ~ and How to Avoid Them, visit www.UnleashTheExtraordinary.com.

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