Synchronistically Speaking Ezine

Feeling Ridiculous?

Article # 17, Synchronistically Speaking series, August 2009

When was the last time you felt like you were in over your head?

How did you handle it? What happened as a result? What did you learn about yourself?

Last week, I was in a karate class where most of the people in my group were far more advanced than I was. The Sensei was instructing us to do techniques that I had never even heard of, let alone seen or practiced. As the session continued, we were asked to build on these techniques and combine them with others, all of which seemed incredibly difficult to me. I found myself standing between martial artists of great prowess and grace, who glided effortlessly while executing spinning, jumping, hooking kicks only to land and do it again and again. They looked like something out of a Jackie Chan movie. I, on the other hand, felt a lot like Chris Farley in the movie Beverly Hills Ninja as I clumsily made my way across the floor, getting no air under my feet when I tried to jump, losing my balance, and doing all I could to keep from crashing into the people next to me.

I flashed back to a time in college during the first session of a dance class that I didn't realize was about two levels too advanced for me. I remember feeling great during the warm up (which I of course thought was the class itself) and then pirouetting (or more accurately, spinning out of control) across the floor and right out the door when I realized I was WAY out of my league. Back then, I felt the sting of shame and embarrassment and dropped the class within minutes of returning to my dormitory. This time, that old familiar feeling crept up, but I didn't give into it.

In that instant, an entire lifetime of perfectionistic patterns caught up to me. I couldn't help but laugh, and though I didn't actually see anyone laughing at me, I wouldn't have blamed them if they did. I'm fairly certain that I looked ridiculous. And then I realized - this is what perfectionists (and recovering perfectionists like me) worry about most - looking like a complete idiot and not being able to master everything in a minimum of time. How many times did I procrastinate something only to leave myself such a small time frame to complete it that no reasonable human being could get it perfect? How many things did I never even try for fear that I wouldn't be able to do something well? And when I did try something new, how often did I berate myself for not being able to perform flawlessly?

Not this time. I began to feel exhaustion creep in, and found myself looking at the clock. I hung in there, overcoming my temptation to track the remaining minutes by immersing myself in the experience. I dug in my heels and kept at it, trudging through, giggling to myself. If I looked like Chris Farley, so be it. I would be the beginner, and give myself license to do those moves in whatever way they came out, as long as I actually made an attempt to do them. And then a funny thing happened. That little voice in my head that has a way of sabotaging me lost its fervor, and I learned a thing or two. I heard the Sensei say, "That's it! You have the basic motion. Now just do it about two hundred more times and you'll have it down." About two hundred more times.

Isn't that like life, though? Just when we think we're good at something, events change and we find ourselves in unchartered territory doing things we have little or no concept of. When we take ourselves too seriously, we end up getting in our own way. Our worlds become smaller and we become the center of them. We lose touch with reality - and instead of hearing and seeing what is really going on, we give our attention to the voices in our heads that sap our confidence and lead us to question our abilities - and in some cases our very worth itself. In that state, any kind of criticism, real or imagined, seems to have infinitely more weight than positive, supportive feedback. We screen the good stuff out and take in the junk.

It's not that we need to silence the voices. I think they will always be there. We just need to focus on something more empowering. We've got to give ourselves credit for showing up and not running away. And we need to embrace the experiences that put us back in the beginner's shoes, with beginner's eyes, for they are the mark of another cycle of growth.

As I reflected on my karate experience, I realized how in so many ways it mirrors a situation I am facing right now where I feel drawn to do something so different than what I have previously done that I wonder whether I really have what it takes to succeed. The little commentator in my head would have me believe that it is a domain reserved for a special breed of people, of whom I am not one. I am in the stage of conscious incompetence with it - painfully aware of just how much I do not know. Thinking back to what my Sensei taught me in that karate lesson, I realized that it doesn't matter if I don't know it right now. What is most important in this moment is to show up and do what is in front of me, and to do the same in the next moment, and the next one.... As I build on what I am learning and keep at it, the unknown will become the known. And if I do it long enough, the known will become engrained enough that I can draw on it in creative ways. But first, the beginning.

What can you do today to embrace the beginning of a new cycle in your life? And how can you inspire and support others in doing the same?

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Diane Bolden is passionate about working with leaders to unleash human potential. An executive coach and organization development professional with over 17 years of experience in leadership development, coaching and consulting, Diane has worked with managers, directors and vice presidents/officers in Fortune 500 companies and non profit organizations to achieve higher levels of performance and success by helping them to bring out the best in themselves and everyone around them. To receive her free special report on Ten Traps Leaders Set for Themselves ~ and How to Avoid Them, visit www.UnleashTheExtraordinary.com.

LOOKING FOR A WAY TO LEARN MORE ABOUT YOURSELF, LIFE AND LEADERSHIP? - Check out the Center for Humane Living

If you are in Phoenix and interested in learning martial arts, I highly recommend The Center for Humane Living. This 501C3 organization is far more than a karate school, embracing not only physical, but also philosophical and spiritual principles. Its mission is to inspire all people to live peaceful and compassionate lives. The Center for Humane Living is a vibrant community of incredible people who are committed to improving themselves, their families and the world around them. In addition to learning karate and self defense, you will learn about leadership, face your fears, and go beyond the limits of what you thought you were capable of achieving. The school was founded by Dr. Michael Foley who began teaching out of his home 18 years ago and has written an award winning book, The Art of Humane Living - Martial Arts as a Path to Peace, published in 2004. I can honestly say that being a part of the Center for Humane Living has made me and my family better people. Find out more at www.CenterforHumaneLiving.com.

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